


A Dragon's Tears - Natsu Angst Fic

by whamelie



Category: Fairy Tail
Genre: Angst, Depression, F/M, Nalu - Freeform, Natsu angst, Self-Harm, depressed Natsu
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-05
Updated: 2020-01-19
Packaged: 2020-04-08 11:20:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 9,860
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19106065
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whamelie/pseuds/whamelie
Summary: When Team Natsu set out on a seemingly regular quest, they hardly expected the disastrous turn of events that followed.Happy was nowhere to be found, Lucy was reduced to a comatose state, Gray and Erza were injured, and Natsu was left with an overwhelming sense of guilt that he simply could not shake.With a fuzzy recollection of the events, and Erza refusing to tell him the details of what happened, Natsu started to isolate himself from everybody else. Blaming himself for not being strong enough to save those he cared about most, and beating in how he was nothing but a pathetic failure.His suppressed mental health finally got the better of him, and the eccentric joyful Natsu that everybody knew, slowly faded into nonexistence...





	1. The Start

Natsu clenched his fist, staring down at the crisp, pristine sheets of his bed in the guild infirmary. 

He shook from head to toe, despite being perfectly warm. In reality, he was filled to the brim with anger, and frustration. Emotions he knew far too well, but to a degree of severity he had never had to deal with.

It came out physically. Shaking limbs, gritted teeth, squeezing his eyes shut to remove any potential distractions. It took all of his mental strength to stay calm, and not explode.

The anger deep inside bubbled and boiled more vigorously with every passing second, as he couldn't keep his mind clear of the day's earlier events.

He hated them.

He hated having to relive them again and again inside his own head of all places, but what could he do?

He had an extremely hyperactive imagination, that couldn't even be controlled by its owner.

Memories flitted back one by one, each getting more vivid and painful.

He was injured, but he didn't know how, or the severity of it. All he knew was that he was in pain, a lot of pain, but he hardly cared. His suffering didn't mean anything to him. He didn't matter right now.

Only his friends mattered.

 

Natsu broke into a sweat, his breathing getting faster and less even, as he heard Wendy working hard on the patient next to him, though he could not see.

There was a plain curtain hiding Lucy Heartfilia's body from view.

 

He wished he could see her, see if she was doing well or not. He was sick with worry, and from what Wendy has been muttering under her breath, his friend's situation was dire.

Nothing was going to plan.

Usually, Wendy's hushed sentences would be barely audible, to any regular human at least. Natsu was a dragonslayer though, and with that came impeccable hearing.

He heard all of it.

 

The anger hissed and spat with venom, screaming to be let out of its cage.

But he didn't let it.

He forced it to stay.

Natsu kept it cooped up in his core, writhing and causing internal havoc. He couldn't let it go.

It...

It scared him.

 

Usually, he was angry with somebody. Gray most of all, occasionally Erza, Laxus a lot of the time... no matter what, his frustrations were always because of someone else. Directed towards somebody else. In those cases, he didn't mind letting it out at all. 

Unfortunately for him, though, this case was vastly different...

The pent up feelings bottled away inside him weren't meant for Gray, or Erza, or Happy or Lucy or Laxus or Wendy or... anybody else...

 

They were his own.

Self directed fury.

 

Hatred so violent and strong that he felt like grabbing at his skin and clawing it away, to scream until his lungs gave out, kick and punch until he was beaten and broken... but nothing would help... and he knew it.

 

Little did he know, the poor mage was entering what was known as a panic attack.

Tight throat, rushing thoughts, unable to stay calm, heart beating faster and faster and faster until it felt like it was dislodging his very rib-cage.

 

Mental agony. It refused to go away.

 

... but why? Why was a usually bright and happy person feeling so conflicted and hurt, so angry with himself that he couldn't even function?

He'd never experienced something so physically and emotionally draining. It scared him.

And among all the other rushing thoughts that made no sense, 'why' raised itself above all the others.

He couldn't answer it for himself. His education wasn't very vast at all. Erza hardly managed to teach him half the alphabet, and was hardly able to teach him the ins and outs of mental health.

Nevertheless, his mind screamed 'why' and he wracked his brains for the solution.

 

Their recent job, was the answer. Team Natsu set out with smiles on their faces, the usual light and exciting feeling in the atmosphere. They were all ready for another adventure... but it was all ruined.

Things went wrong... and... Natsu?

Natsu failed.

 

His friends... they needed help, and he should have helped but he failed...

He didn't remember all of it. There were... dark wizards. Not many, but a few... and they were strong. He remembered that, then... remembered Lucy. Lucy and Erza and Gray... but other than that, from that point forwards, it was all a fuzzy haze.

Blood... he remembered the blood, so much of it. Deep red, pooling out in every direction. The shouts for help... Lucy's distraught face... begging... begging for him to help her...

... but he failed.

 

And now... here they were.

Gray, unconscious and bleeding on a different hospital bed. Erza, a broken arm, and a broken spirit.

Happy... nowhere to be seen.

... and...

Lucy... slowly dying only a metre away from him.

He wished he could say something, something to help, to calm her if she could even hear him. Reach out to her. Hold her hand. Keep her safe even though she needed safety earlier and he neglected to provide it.

 

Wendy said something about blood loss and it being too much.

 

Finally, after a good ten minutes of suppression, Natsu's exhausted body gave up the fight. Fat tears streamed down his dirty cheeks, and he opened his sorrowful emerald eyes for the first time in ages.

 

The anger boiled over.

 

"DAMNIIIIIIIT!!!" He screamed, grabbing two fistfuls of his hair and screaming again, releasing a hallowing noise of utmost despair.

He couldn't breathe.

He couldn't think.

His eyesight went cloudy and he couldn't focus.

He felt like he was dying.

Dying.

 

Dying just like Lucy. 

 

The room felt like it was closing in on him and he kept crying and crying so full of anguish and pain and the internal conflict with the side of self hate winning by a mile raged on without end and things warped and wavered and he sobbed again begging begging for somebody anybody to come and help him and care for him and tell him that everything was going to be alright but they didn't he was left there he was all alone and he was dying and crying and all he could think was that he was going to lose Lucy his Lucy Lucy with the pink guild mark Lucy with the books Lucy with the smile Lucy with the keys Lucy Lucy Lucy and he screamed and cried and he begged to be ended and murdered and taken apart and he just wanted all the pain to end...

The world slowly grew... dark. 

 

Erratic hyperventilation lead straight to unconsciousness, and it swooped down from above, lifting Natsu and cradling him in its arms.

Perhaps it was a gift from above, an act of mercy from a higher power. Removing the suffering soul from the world of the conscious, even if only for a while.

But even though slipping under ended his panic, unconsciousness brought a whole other array of nightmares to his mind.

Literal nightmares, repeating the same phrase again and again.

"NATSU, NATSU PLEASE! HELP ME!"

 

It got louder and louder, never ceasing for a second, and no matter how many times he begged for it to stop, every nightmare ended equally.

Lucy. Beaten. Bloody. Dead.

 

Even in dreams... 

 

... Natsu was a failure.


	2. Explanation

When Natsu finally woke up from his nightmarish sleep, the first emotion that hit him was relief.

Finally... the dreams were over, and he could forget them all. But then, after the short burst of relief, guilt and fear and anger and shame all hit him in the stomach, winding him mentally and starting off the tone of the day.

Painful and depleting. 

"... Natsu? Are you awake?" A voice called out. Erza popped her head around the curtain next to his bed, and Natsu was overjoyed to see a familiar face at last.

"... hey, Erza..."

She walked over and took a seat in the chair next to his bed, which was set aside for guests. Natsu tried to wriggle to a sitting position, but Erza placed a hand on his chest and shook her head.

"You're injured. Stab wound in your side. It didn't damage anything but, until Wendy can recharge, it won't heal anytime soon."

"... how come Wendy's out of magic?" He asked.

She sighed, looking down at the ground and twiddling her thumbs. Natsu briefly noticed that her broken arm was fixed, but didn't mention anything about it.

"... Lucy... Lucy very almost died."

Natsu shot up in a second, too fast for Erza to stop him. As soon as he sat up, his right side flared up in pain, undoubtedly from the stab wound Erza mentioned, but he didn't care.

"Lucy?! Is she ok now? Is she gonna be ok?!" He exclaimed, looking her directly in the eyes, begging for good news with only an expression.

"... for now, yes. She's ok."

Confusion and shock flashed across his already concerned face.

"... what... what do you mean by 'for now'...?"

Erza placed a friendly hand on his shoulder, offering support.

"... one of the wizards we were fighting cast a spell on her. More like a curse... I guess. None of her wounds will heal, they won't even begin to close over. Wendy had to put her in a magically induced sleep to stabilise her... or else she might've died."

She felt like pulling her childhood friend into a tight hug at that very second. He looked so distraught and worried, she could hardly bare to see him like that.

But, alas, Lucy was his friend too. He deserved to know what was going on.

"... Wendy will still have to change her dressings every few hours. She's still bleeding, but not to the same level as before. Levy is researching how to reverse the spell right at this second."

Natsu looked away and nodded, looking slightly lost.

"... hey. Everything will be ok. Lucy is strong. She'll get through this, we just have to believe in her." She insisted, leaning in to make eye contact again.

"... I... I should've been there to save her."

"Natsu-"

"I should've saved her Erza! I... I failed her! I failed everybody!"

"You didn't fail anyone!"

Erza's commanding tone shut him up straight away.

"... we can't all save everybody. Sometimes... things are out of our control."

He clearly wasn't listening.

"Natsu, what happened to Lucy was. Not. Your. Fault. Do you hear me?"

A few seconds of stubborn silence passed before he answered her.

"... I hear ya."

Erza rolled her eyes, though was clearly happy about his eventual cooperation.

"... Gray is under too. He doesn't have anything as serious as Lucy though, he was just hit on the head. Should be fine in a couple of days."

Natsu looked down at his hands, and clasped them together.

"... and... Happy?"

He could tell by Erza's sharp intake of breath that there would be no good news about his exceed friend.

"... I... Natsu I'm really sorry but... he's nowhere to be found. Nobody's seen him..."

"... oh..."

Erza had rarely seen him look so defeated and hopeless. Maybe two or three times over their entire lives, so it was always slightly heart wrenching.

And anyway, she might not have been the closest to him, but, Happy was a friend too. He was part of the Fairytail family. It hurt to face the possibility of losing anyone at all.

 

Natsu finally lay back down, groaning as his wound stung unpleasantly.

"Ughh... What even happened on the quest?" He questioned, applying pressure to the injured area in hope to relieve some pain.

Erza's eyes changed very suddenly, emitting a sense of intense sadness.

"... so you don't remember... huh..."

"... no, I don't. I... I can remember some of it, but the rest is a blur. Maybe I got knocked out... so, please. What happened?"

She dragged her eyes away from his, settling on an indistinct point of her vision.

"... it's probably best that you don't know..."

"What? Erza you have to tell me!"

"I don't have to do anything, Natsu. It's best to just leave it, for now at least. That's my final word on it."

He looked away, clearly quite irritated and upset with her. She knew it was for the best though. The information she could give would do nothing but hurt him.

"... Wendy will heal you in a bit. I need to go and talk to Master Makarov. In the meantime... don't do anything rash, ok?"

"Like what?"

"Like get out of bed. If I catch you doing anything other than resting up, they'll be bloody hell to pay."

"Ok! Ok! Chill out! I'll stay."

"... good."

Erza gave him a small smile.

"... do you want me to come and see you again later?"

"Do whatever you want. I don't care."

His voice was cold. Understandably so.

"Natsu, I know that you're upset because I'm refusing to tell you, but I do mean what I said. It's for the best, for everybody. For you especially."

"... sure."

"I'll tell you one day. But not today. Not anytime soon."

"... fine."

Erza left after that, realising that he was in a bad mood and she wouldn't be able to get anywhere with him in his current state.

But she did say one last thing to him.

"... when she wakes up... Lucy won't blame you for what happened. You mean a lot to her, you know."

Natsu just shrugged, still refusing to make eye contact.

Erza sighed yet again, and turned around, exiting the infirmary.

Natsu watched her go, feeling an intense heaviness in his heart and an ache in his head. He was developing a migraine. Great. Exactly what he needed.

Despite his overwhelming urge to disobey Erza's orders, he stayed in bed, pondering what could have happened on the quest. What would be so awful that Erza would outright refuse to tell him?

The only thing on his mind was that it was his fault. However that could come about, it happened in some shape or form. Erza was probably just hiding it so he didn't feel bad.

It frustrated him. Not being able to get up frustrated him.

He just wanted to go and see Lucy, but, he stayed true to his word and stayed put. 

Natsu wished that he could fall asleep again, so that the boredom and frustration couldn't effect him anymore. Unfortunately, his level of fatigue wasn't being kind to him that day.

It was non existent, and Natsu was forced to just stare at the ceiling, self-deprecating thoughts taking over his mind and condoning him to a heavily negative mindset.

It hurt.

It confused him, and he felt like crying again, but didn't let himself. He didn't want to look weak.

He hated the things he was feeling. He hated them with a deep burning passion. He wanted nothing more than for them to go away... and never come back, but they weren't under his control.

 

Natsu covered his eyes with his forearm, and gritted his teeth to stay calm.

He didn't know what was going on.

He didn't know what to do.


	3. Wounds

When Wendy's magic finally recharged, she hardly expected to walk over to Natsu's bed and find him calmly laying down, covering his face.

She was expecting at least some energy, a smile, a wave, sitting up and ready for interaction.

But he didn't even notice her. Usually he would have heard her walk over, but it seemed he was so distant that he had zoned out completely.

It looked... wrong.

Natsu wasn't supposed to be like that.

He was the optimist. The one who stayed positive through thick and thin, the one who kept the team cheerful - even if his antics often strayed into 'annoying' territory - and... the one who never ran out of smiles.

Seeing him so defeated, a husk of his former self, evoked a lot of sympathy for her fiery friend.

Then again, from what Erza has told her, he had every reason to be like this after their catastrophic quest.

She unfortunately hadn't been able to go on it because Charle had fallen ill and Wendy wanted to nurse her, but looking at it now, it was probably more fortunate than not.

 

"... hey... Natsu..." she spoke, finally growing the courage to open her mouth.

He jumped slightly, but didn't look up, or react in any way other than that.

"... I'm here to heal your wounds..."

Still no reaction.

"... are... are you alright?"

Wendy almost kicked herself as soon as those words entered the quiet air. They were so pointless and ridiculous that Natsu finally did something. He looked up and fixed her with a look that simply said 'really?'.

"... sorry. That... that was a stupid thing to say I-"

"It's fine." He cut in, pulling himself into a sitting position and softening his expression slightly "... I'm fine."

Wendy decided to just walk over to him instead of saying anything else to embarrass herself.

"... How's Lucy doing?" Natsu asked, the concern in his voice painstakingly real.

Wendy bit her lip, considering whether to tell the truth or not. A lie could perhaps comfort him temporarily but... at this point, lying would be almost pointless. Right after he was healed, he would probably be straight out of bed checking for himself.

"... she's still bleeding. She isn't going to stop anytime soon."

"... o... oh..."

She clenched her fists.

"... I... I'm so sorry Natsu, I wish I could do more for her, but I-"

"Wendy... I get it. You can't. You... you saved her... what more could we ask from you?"

"I just... I don't know... sorry..."

He didn't reply, looking away, down at his hands. For a moment, Wendy thought she could see him shaking, but after quickly wiping her eyes, she passed it off as a trick of the light.

"... y... your wounds! I'm sorry, I got distracted." she squealed, sighing loudly, afraid that she was beginning to irritate him.

"... they're fine. I'll be fine."

"... please Natsu, it'll only take a second."

He met her deep brown eyes, which were so full of worry and concern that he gave up the stubborn act and leans backwards, giving her access to the well bandaged wound on his side.

"Does it hurt?" She asked.

"... a bit. A lot."

"Ah, I'll try and be careful then..." 

Wendy gently removed the bandages, with the occasional wince from Natsu going undiscussed, and then placed her palms over the injury.

He closed his eyes as the magic circle she created emitted a bright light. The sensation of being healed was rather odd, but nevertheless, the end result was instantly satisfying.

Relief flashed across his face, before he remembered the situation, and leapt straight off the bed.

"N-Natsu! Shouldn't you rest a little longer?"

"I have to see Lucy. Can I see her?"

"... I... I guess?" She replied, realising that no efforts to get him back into bed would be successful.

Wendy lead him around the curtain to the area directly next to it, also hidden from the world.

She went first, pulling back the fabric and stepping inside. It was deadly quiet.

Natsu had to fight all his instincts to stop himself from bursting in and rushing to Lucy's side straight away, and managed to keep calm as he followed the smaller girl.

"... she, she's in a magical coma... and... I know I may have induced it but... I don't know much about them. She might be able to hear us, she might not." Wendy explained, and Natsu could only nod, lost for words as his senses went haywire, picking up things he didn't want to know about.

Blood.

All he could smell was blood.

 

Blood and gore, and nothing else. Lucy's usual aroma was completely covered by the horrific scent.

 

And... Lucy... she looked completely battered.

He knew that she'd been hurt, badly, but never imagined it to this scale.

Her face was littered with bruises and scratches, her left eye completely incased by purple and blue. Her hair was a mess, matted and sticking out. He had the urge to find a hairbrush and fix it himself, knowing that in consciousness, she would never let herself look that way.

The rest of her body was covered by a blanket. It may have been a comfort to others, but not him. Not Natsu.

The stench of iron in the air told him that whatever was under there, wasn't pretty.

"... I should probably change her dressings..." Wendy whispered, breaking the silence at last.

Natsu almost grabbed her shoulder to stop her. He knew that whatever he'd see if the blanket was removed... would be awful. He didn't want to see. He didn't want to see how hurt she was... but... he froze up. He just stood and stared, as Wendy moved the blanket away, revealing what was underneath.

He almost choked on his own tongue.

He almost ran out of the room.

He almost broke down in tears of fury.

But he didn't.

He just stood and stared.

Wendy got to work, removing the heavily bloodstained dressings one by one.

Lucy had been left in a cropped t-shirt and shorts, clearly for conveniences sake. This way, the massive three gashes in her stomach could be easily tended to. They looked too deep to be real, jagged at the edges, meagrely dribbling blood like a broken water fountain.

Her arm had been broken, carefully placed in a cast and a sling, blood spotting across that one as well.

Her legs... both her legs, ripped at as if they were paper.

Deep, inflamed, gory and gruesome, turning her perfect peach skin into a battleground of future scars.

Next, in no specific place at all, there were burns. All across her body, not awful... not anything that couldn't be saved but... burns... third degree, second degree, first degree... they varied. Reasonably small in size, but they were there. 

Last of all, came her other arm. It wasn't broken, but, it arguably suffered a much worse fate.

Charred skin. Black and red. Stretching from her hand to just below her shoulder.

It... it was...

 

He just stood and stared. Unable to speak, watching as Wendy worked her way through the wounds, finishing up and turning to Natsu, who was both surprised and not to see him on the brink of tears.

"... Natsu?"

He blinked, and he moved, to wipe his eyes, then he stared once more.

"... she'll be ok. None of this will be permanent... we'll be able to make sure she only comes away with a couple scars."

No reacting. Nothing.

He shuffled closer, over to Lucy's side, and he reached out, touching her shoulder as lightly as he could.

"... Luce..."

Wendy didn't interrupt. She knew how much Lucy meant to him. She knew how much seeing her like this would be paining him.

The smell of the blood started to make him feel panicked, working it's way up into his head until he could think of nothing else.

Blood. Gore. Burns.

"... Luce... Lucy... I'm... sorry... I'm sorry..."

Now that he was closer, a new odour entered his perception.

One much worse than all the others before.

 

Burnt human flesh.

 

The panic he felt inside made its way outward, trapping him in nervous shaking and tears that fell and refused to dry.

He just stood and stared.

 

He couldn't take it.

 

"... I... I c-c... I c-can't..." he stuttered, pulling his hand away from her in an instant and after one last look at her poor... beat up face... he launched himself out of the room, entering a full sprint.

"N-Natsu! Wait!" Wendy called after him, but it was no use. He was already gone.

She dragged her eyes back to Lucy, and pulled the blanket back over her body.

"... I don't know if you can hear me... but... everything will be ok. Natsu will be back to see you sometime... I'm sure he will."

With that, she left the infirmary, in search of Carla, or anybody else to keep her company.

 

On Natsu's side, he didn't pay any attention to anything other than getting out of there. He knew that people were probably staring as he left the guildhall running, but he didn't care.

He ran as fast as he could, covering his nose with his hands, running and running until the guild was out of sight.

Only then did he dare to slow down and come to a halt, panting. Out of breath completely. 

 

The smells that tormented him back in Lucy's wing were finally gone.

But what he saw?

 

The images stayed in his mind, excruciatingly detailed, poignant, and they wouldn't go away.

 

He focused on the ground in front of him. He just stood and stared. It didn't help. It made things worse. 

 

The view of Lucy's mangled body was clear in his head.

It wouldn't leave.

 

He broke down.

 

He cried.


	4. Home

Natsu couldn't calm down for quite a while, but soon enough, managed to enter a state of partial calm. Enough to head home at any rate.

The walk was going to be a mean one, all the way back to his small cottage on the outskirts. He hadn't been back there for a long long time, usually being on quests, and when he was home... at Lucy's.

Alas, it was a walk he was going to have to make.

 

Down cobbled streets, through alleyways. Some people on the street recognised him. He was a well known mage of Fairytail, after all.

Some were mildly interested... and... others purposefully kept to the other side of the road.

 

It was something Natsu hadn't noticed before. Usually he was so caught up in the jobs he took, with his friends. He didn't look at his surroundings all that much, since there were always much more important things going on.

But now, he walked alone. He saw it all.

 

The realisation that some of these people actually, avoided him, stung a little bit. Didn't they know that he wouldn't hurt them? He'd never hurt anybody who did nothing wrong. 

Never ever.

 

But, despite that, he had still built up a dangerous reputation. Thinking about it, he did destroy a lot of his environment, a lot of the time.

Unnecessary damage to buildings, and wildlife, and a whole array of other things.

 

... he should probably start to work on that. 

 

To attempt to avoid the sights around him, Natsu lowered his head. He watched his feet as he took step by step, his sandals making a very small clacking noise every time they made contact with the pavement. He focused in on this, the repetitious sound. It helped him.

Nobody really saw this side of Natsu, in fact, Natsu didn't see it much himself. He didn't know how to deal with it, feeling so low and hopeless.

 

His mind was still filled with horribly vivid imagery of Lucy's injuries, and he couldn't seem to shake them away. They were stubborn, and refused to let him forget. Beat into him that if he'd been stronger, he would have been able to stop that from happening to her.

How... how would he go and visit her if he could hardly stay conscious in the room? 

 

Natsu felt awful. Just running away like that, not offering an explanation to poor Wendy. 

The whole situation was... unknown to him.

 

He hadn't the slightest idea of what to do to help.

 

Instead of worrying about things outside of his control, Natsu decided to focus a little more on his current situation, specifically what he was going to do when he got back to his house.

He hadn't been there for... possibly months. There would be a layer of dust over everything, no food in, and the 'garden' would have grown out of control. 

Oh well. Nothing he couldn't deal with. While an evening with no food sounded pretty bad, he still felt too sick to eat anyway.

 

The ground started to get pretty boring. Staring down at the pavement, various bricks and slabs changing along the journey, but Natsu didn't want to look up either. That would remind him of what a public disappointment he was.

On and on.

Street after street.

And eventually, the surroundings started to look very familiar.

Very, very familiar.

 

Dragging his tired eyes away from the pavement, he caught his breath, stopping in his tracks.

 

He was outside Lucy's house.

 

Natsu was torn between laughing and kicking himself.

Hah.

It seemed that habit had gotten the better of him. 

Day after day, sneaking in through Lucy’s windows and crashing at her place instead. It had become completely automatic for his body to walk this way, subconsciously built into his very existence.

 

A couple of brief thoughts told him to repeat the trend, scale the house, climb in though the third floor window that she always forgot to lock. Or lock tightly enough, at least.

 

It wouldn’t be that bad, would it? 

He slept there every night anyway, more often than not in her own bed. It was normal. It was what always happened.

Would it really be a problem if it happened again?

 

... Lucy’s apartment felt more like home than his own place at this point.

 

But he shook those thoughts away. He never snuck in when she wasn’t there, or if he didn’t know that she’d be back soon.

Lucy was currently in a critical condition, in a coma, condoned to the guild infirmary. Breaking into her house and using it for his own comfort at a time like this would be beyond disrespectful.

 

Casting one last longing glance at the building, Natsu dragged himself away from it, heart twice as heavy as before. 

Walking away, past it, down the street parallel to the canal, felt wrong.

But he knew that it was right.

 

Slowly, slowly, the urban environment got more and more sparse, only the odd shop or house dotted around, and soon enough, he entered the woods. Only a short journey though that, and he reached his own house at last.

 

He looked up at it. It looked unfamiliar. Uninviting. Uncomfortable. Untrustworthy.

He didn’t like it.

 

With a big sigh, he trudged up the garden path, and pushed the door open. There was no point in ever locking it. 

Nobody came into these woods, and let’s say somebody did stumble across his abode, there was nothing of value stored inside.

... or... nothing worth stealing.

If Natsu’s carefully constructed memento collection was disrupted, he would most certainly be crushed, but, who on earth was going to steal old job fliers and maid outfits? 

Those were pretty safe from selfish hands, he was sure.

 

Dust entered his lungs straight away, and a hacking cough settled in. Natsu had to pull his scarf over his mouth to venture further inside, and opened every window he could to get fresh air in.

It was musty and dusty and dark.

And lonely.

 

Oh, what he’d give to collapse into Lucy’s bed right now, it was comfortable beyond belief, and always smelled amazing as well.

It wasn’t a scent he could really pinpoint. It was warm, and familiar, and homely, and he had never found it anywhere else.

Least of all his neglected cottage.

 

At least it was decently tidy. Nothing had been tampered with ever since Lucy had come over that one time and cleared the whole place up, of her own accord.

Natsu sighed again.

 

He never thanked her for that, did he?

 

He didn’t thank her for a lot of things.

 

The air started to clear, and Natsu lowered his scarf from his mouth, working on getting a fire going in the fireplace to heat up the miserable environment.

Unease crept up every wall, surrounding him completely.

He wasn’t used to being so solitary.

Usually, he was with Lucy, and if not Lucy, he and Happy were near inseparable.

 

... Happy.

 

He...

 

He didn’t want to think about Happy. He was probably just lost. He was probably just passed out in a tree somewhere, he’d be coming home any day soon. Turning up at the guildhall.

He would.

 

Natsu knew he would.

 

He had to.

 

He didn’t want to think about the other possibilities.

 

Just a brief spark from his palm sent the small pile of wood into a well burning inferno, blessing the room with well missed heat.

That was a bit better.

The curtains were all returned to their closed setting, to conserve the heat and stop the evening bugs from getting in.

 

Tiredness suddenly hit him, and Natsu wobbled over to his hammock, falling into it and staring at the ceiling.

After months of the luxuries of Lucy’s bed, it felt sub optimal, and he knew right off the bat that he was going to have a very sore back in the morning.

 

... but... honestly... thinking about it...

Had his behaviour been, annoying her? Did she detest how he showed up at random times, falling asleep all over the place? Did she dislike that?

Did she dislike him being there?

 

She had seemed to be very unhappy, every time he turned up it of the blue.

Angry, shocked... she was never particularly glad to see him.

... he really had been intruding this whole time, hadn’t he.

 

But the realisation did nothing but make him crave it worse. He wanted nothing more at that moment than to be at Lucy’s house, with Lucy and Happy, joking around and laughing, not a care in the world.

 

Alas, he was here instead.

His own home, that felt nothing like home.

His own house, in which he felt unsafe and unwelcome.

His own company, that was near to being unbearable.

 

“... I promise, Lucy...” Natsu whispered, “I promise... once you’re better... I’ll stop intruding on you... I’ll stop coming to your house uninvited...”

 

Somehow, he found his blanket, and wrapped himself in it, trying to simulate the same comforting weight of Lucy’s duvet, to no avail.

“... just... get well soon... ok?”

 

He knew she couldn’t hear him.

 

He knew that.

 

But he had to say something. Anything. Anything at all.

 

The silence was deafening him.


	5. Sick

Natsu snapped awake, sore all over, and with a pounding headache that refused to go away.

The fire that had been hungrily burning all night was now nothing but a pile of smouldering ashes and coals, a pathetic remembrance of the glory it once was. The musty smell of the dust helped snap him awake.

 

A light breeze from outside quickly turned sour, as it danced around Natsu's cottage, spreading cold air across the space. He shivered.

It had been a long long time since he had last truly felt cold. It was an odd sensation, and always made him feel uneasy and unsafe, even though he was at his own home. Safe as could be.

Right?

 

Though, it soon became apparent that it wasn't only the autumn breeze outside that chilled him. It took only a couple of observations to figure it out. He was sick.

Not terribly so, but sick nonetheless.

There was a horrible soreness in his throat, which was accompanied by a pounding heartbeat and a dizziness that he knew wouldn't pass. Great. Exactly what he needed.

 

It must have been brewing for the past few days, and his immune system had finally given in overnight.

What brilliant timing.

 

Natsu felt like doing nothing but lying in his hammock all day, solitary, still as a statue. There wasn't exactly anything he could do... as he didn't know how visiting Lucy would go if she was still in that state, and... he never really hung out with anybody but her. Sure, he went on jobs with Gray and Erza, but, outside of job work?

Lucy was his go to.

Though, now, Lucy wasn't available, and neither was his other first choice.

 

Though, the shivering proved itself too much to bare, and he forced himself to get up.

The dizziness got worse as soon as his feet hit the cold stone floor, and the poor dragonslayer felt like he was going to keel over. It took a few moments of wobbling and clinging onto his hammock before he could properly stand up.

Gingerly, Natsu walked over to the coals, seeing if there were any last bits of wood he could ignite, or if he would have to go and get more.

Luckily, a couple of logs nearer the back hadn't burned down, and he set them ablaze without having to take a trip to the wood pile.

He also closed all the windows, content that the place had been aired out enough. After his cottage was properly closed up, the heat from the fire couldn't do anything other than stay.

Warmth quickly filled up the room, and Natsu let out a deep sigh of relief. Not only did the fire provide him warmth, and a brief façade of comfort, but also quiet background noise.

The occasional crack of a log splitting - or the general roar of the fire - helped him feel slightly less alone.

"... much better..." he whispered, voice hoarse and raspy. 

It was odd. He never usually talked to himself, yet now that he was the only one around? It felt almost natural, which in its own way raised an uneasy atmosphere. 

If it wasn't uneasy enough already.

 

Natsu dragged himself back to his feet, and back over to his hammock, which still obtained the last pieces of his body heat from previously lying it in. 

Wrapping himself up in his blanket, he started to think.

What was he going to do for the rest of the day?

 

He wasn't in much of a state to do cleaning, let alone gardening. He considered trying to get to Wendy so that she could cure his cold, but, he'd probably collapse less than halfway to the guild.

It would be a whole degree better to suffer at home, than to pass out in the middle of the woods for god knows how long.

So, there was nothing to do at home, and, nothing he could easily reach outside. 

With, nothing else to do...

He just... lay there. Staring at the ceiling, willing for his nose to unblock itself so he could breathe properly again.

Wanting his throat to stop stinging.

Hoping that the muffled sensation in his ears would pass soon.

 

As a dragonslayer, most, if not all of his five senses were heightened and superior to that of other human beings. Having them temporarily ruined caused twice the discomfort.

He sighed, turning over and trying to find a more comfortable sleeping position. 

He guessed, it was indeed a trade off. Brilliant hearing, and sight, and smell, an immune system that could fight off the worse illnesses with relative ease.

However, it couldn't protect against everything, and on the rare occasion that a stray pathogen managed to compromise his system, it put him out of action, in an embarrassingly pathetic way.

 

Hours passed. Hours filled with nothing at all.

The fire had died a small while ago, the two last logs eaten up by the blaze, leaving nothing but a pile of black and white. Natsu didn't have the energy - nor the willpower - to force himself to stand and start it up once more.

The mere thought of having to go outside and grab more wood did nothing but discourage him further.

 

Ugh. He hated getting ill. He hated it more than most things. He hated everything about it.

The physical symptoms were distasteful, uncomfortable, and a downright inconvenience, but what Natsu hated about it most, was how it rendered him completely useless.

 

Had he woken up feeling fine, he could have done so much. 

Attempted to visit Lucy again, hopefully successfully this time. Popped into the guild to see everybody else. Maybe even checked if Gray was doing ok, or if Erza's injuries had healed well.

Maybe even started the search for Happy.

 

It seemed the universe had different plans for him. Vastly different.

 

Or, more likely, it had no plans at all. Destiny fell short that day.

He was limited to his tiny house, which was getting colder and colder by the second.

 

All Natsu could wait for, was sleep.


	6. Guildhall

As the twitterings of bird and rustling of trees in the wind brought Natsu back into consciousness, beams of light streamed into the cottage, and a new day began.

He groaned, shifting around in his hammock to try and find a more comfortable position, but had no luck. It seemed that no position was comfortable in the hanging bed.

Natsu sighed, opening his eyes and taking a deep breath, to which he stopped, and evaluated.

His nose wasn't blocked anymore.

He was definitely still ill. His head was aching, his throat was rough and sore, and his skin was covered in goosebumps... but... he was better than the previous day, no doubt.

Better enough to properly function again.

The sharp caw of a crow snapped Natsu out of his sleepy daze, and sent a fluttering of wings shooting into the distance. Time to get up.

He breathed deeply, and swung his legs over the side of the hammock, begrudgingly heading outside to bring in more chopped wood. It was a task he had been putting off for a while now, and had to be done eventually.

When he opened the door, the outside air hit him like a rock, and the morning light took a few seconds to accustom to. After an entire day spent inside a dingily lit cottage, Natsu wasn't surprised.

He walked around the back of the cottage, and was relieved to see readily chopped wood. Even though he hadn't been here for months, he had left some readily prepared for whenever he returned. 

The weather had been cold lately, but not rainy or damp, so the wood was decently dry. Perfect for burning, devoid of bugs and moss alike.

Natsu gathered as many logs as he could carry at once, and stumbled inside, carefully dropping them into the firewood basket in the corner, and starting up a new fire.

He had already decided that he was going to the guild today. This sitting at home doing nothing business simply didn't sit well with him.

He always felt uncomfortable and uneasy when he had nothing to work towards.

 

After getting properly warmed up and dressed, an aching in his stomach sent Natsu quickly out of the door. He hadn't eaten for over a day, and was looking forward to eating something at the guild. Mira did a pretty good array of meals, at very decent prices on top of that.

Birds sang to each other on the treetops, and he tried to tune into them as best he could. Walking all the day back to magnolia, then to the guild, was never a particularly enjoyable journey. More of an annoying necessity, so it was best to take advantage of entertainment when it arose.

The small animals weren't all that interesting, but were certainly more interesting than the dirt track he walked along. 

 

Seconds turned into minutes, minutes stretched out and elongated. Trees and shrubbery shifted to houses and streets. 

The birds were left behind. Now, the only noise was the shuffling and bustling of people, the distant roar of a magic-mobile. The occasional gasp as he walked by and was recognised. 

Were they fans? Were they scared? Were they just shocked to see him out and about, walking along like everybody else?

Who knew. He didn't.

 

The guildhall came into view, towering over most other buildings. It stood out very clearly, standing proud and tall.

He remembered seeing it for the first time. So much younger, so much more innocent and impressionable. The guild looked entirely different to him back then.

Not just because of the rebuild either.

 

At any rate, he reached its doors, and entered the space, filling his lungs with the familiar scent. 

Warmth, wood, a slight hint of alcohol. Touches of cooking here and there. It smelled comforting. The edge Natsu has been on all day lessened slightly.

Lisanna noticed him almost as soon as he entered the guildhall, rushing over to him.

"Natsu! Thank God you're here! I was so worried!"

She threw her arms around him, giving him a tight squeeze, before speaking again.

"I was away on a quest when it happened! Are you ok? Are you hurt?"

"I'm fine Lisanna." He said, almost cringing at his own voice as it came out hoarse and croaky. His illness was still getting the better of him.

"... I, I'm just relieved to see you well. You look starved, c'mon, Mira will get you something to eat."

He sat down at the bar, and took in his surroundings. 

The guild was operating relatively normal, but, there was a definite sense of dread and tenseness that he couldn’t quite place his finger on. The occasional sour expression, nervous tapping, a raised voice here and there. None of which were especially strange, though still lingered on his mind.

Mirajane came over and greeted him warmly as usual, and started preparing a meal for him, knowing his usual choice without having to ask. He ate there enough for almost the entirety of Fairytail to know his eating preferences.

She chatted away, able to keep conversation going without difficulty, even if Natsu only ever replied with single words or even shrugs. He admired that about her, among all the other things he looked up to. She was strong and powerful and brought such a lovely atmosphere wherever she went, but, her ability to keep any and every situation from awkwardness? That was beyond impressive. 

He focused in on her as well, taking a deep breath and letting all the other distractions of the hall fade away.

 

She was cheery, she was bubbly and light in her demeanour, she was smiling and happy... but, below all that, Natsu could tell there was something wrong. 

Something deeply wrong, that concerned her and tipped her usual behaviour to the side ever so slightly.

For something to really effect Mira... it had to be of the utmost severity. Natsu guessed that it had at least something to do with his team’s disastrous quest. 

 

He didn’t say anything though, instead thanking her for the meal, paying with a handful of coins from a leather pouch, and tucking in.

 

The food was a huge relief after an entire day of eating nothing, reminding him of how ravenous and starved he felt. 

 

Natsu demolished the entire plate, and almost considered in when Mira joked about making him another, though controlled himself. He hadn’t come here to stuff his face - though it had been a good extra. 

Ultimately, he’d come to the guild to see Lucy.

 

He could only hope that the food in his stomach wouldn’t decide to come back up.


	7. Odour

Mira kept on talking, and Natsu felt bad for interrupting her, but the longer she talked, the more anxious to leave he became.

"... Mira?" He asked, cutting her off mid sentence. 

Her words faded, and she looked up to meet his eyes.

"... oh... yes?"

"... do you... do you think it'll be ok if I go visit Lucy?"

Her expression saddened slightly, and she put down the glass she was cleaning.

"... You'd have to ask Wendy, but I don't see why not."

He nodded.

"Alright, thanks." 

Natsu turned to leave, but Mira caught his sleeve, turning his attention back to her.

"... Natsu... you don't blame yourself for what happened, do you?" she whispered. He swallowed nervously, and looked away.

"... I can't even remember what happened."

With that, he pulled his sleeve out of her gentle grip, and walked across the hall to the entrance of the guild infirmary.

A clinical air hit him quite hard, clean and septic, devoid of much else.

Wendy - who was checking on Gray's mild wounds as he still slept - noticed him enter, and a smile broke onto her previously solemn face.

"... Natsu!" she exclaimed, rushing over to him and giving him a tight hug.

"I was worried about you after you ran off like that!"

She pulled away, eyeing him up and down.

"... you're sick."

He shrugged.

"Worst of it was yesterday, it's just the tail end left over."

"Your voice says otherwise!"

His throat was indeed still sore, and therefor, the state of his voice reflected that.

"C'mon, I just gotta finish checking Gray's bruises, then I'll take you in to see her."

Even an indirect mention of Lucy sent fear shooting up Natsu's spine. What happened last time was still on his mind, and he felt terrible for it. She was the one who'd obtained horrific injuries, yet he - virtually unharmed - couldn't even be in the room with her for a minute? How pathetic.

"... ho... how is she...?" he mumbled.

"... same as yesterday, and the day before, and the day before that. Stable, but... she's still bleeding. I have to change her dressings every three hours or so, and overnight, I put on extra thick ones."

"... and, Levy-"

"Levy hasn't had any luck figuring out the curse, no... but, she says she has an idea, which is at least something."

Gray shifted and turned in his sleep, looking troubled.

"... Gray should wake up sometime soon. He exhausted all his magic power, and his body needed the rest." Wendy spoke, brushing her hands off on her shirt and pulling the covers back up to Gray's neck, "... we can see Lucy now."

Natsu followed her out of Gray's small wing, to the infamous curtains that kept Lucy from view. Plain white, so crisp and pure yet, the stench from inside put him on edge immediately. Familiar. Too familiar.

Wendy pulled back the curtains, and before his body could react for him, Natsu pushed himself inside.

 

It was exactly the same scene. Lucy, lay in bed, clearly unconscious with a hint of pain on her face. The strong odour of congealed blood and burned skin filled the space, making Natsu feel immediately sick and nauseous.

Wendy turned back, and could physically see the discomfort. He was shaking, violently. Shaking, while staring wide eyed and gritting his teeth. Clenching his fists.

"... Natsu... you can leave if you can't-"

"N-No! What... what kind of coward would that make me...?"

He forced himself to walk over to Lucy, and sat down in the chair next to her bed.

"... hey... Luce..."

He lowered his voice to a soft whisper, afraid that somehow, anything startlingly loud would cause his friend discomfort.

The gory aromas got stronger and stronger, to the point where he wanted to rip his own hair out and scream at the top of his lungs, but he didn't. He made himself sit still.

"... I... don't know if you can... hear me... but..."

Wendy quietly backed out of the room. She didn't want to intrude on the moment.

"... listen... I... I don't know, what happened... I just know that you were hurt... and... you called for me, but I couldn't save you. I... I promise Lucy... once you wake up... I'll never let anybody hurt you ever again... ever..."

Her chest moved gradually up and down, showing that her breathing was steady.

"... I... don't know what you think of me now but... I'm... s-sorry... I'm so sorry..."

Lucy's breath stayed exactly the same. It was like talking to a brick wall.

"... I'm so f*cking sorry..."

 

Blood and gore and burns and flesh, the smell of each worked their ways into his head and probed him, unhinging his demeanour. Before Natsu knew it, his face was wet...

... and he was pulling away. 

Away from her body, away from her bed, away from her wing until he painfully slammed into the adjacent wall of the infirmary.

Everything faded in and out of sight. The shoulder that took the brunt of the impact throbbed like hell.

His airways felt like they were closing up, choking him from the inside. 

"... Natsu?!"

Wendy placed a hand on his shoulder, whispering something to him again and again but he could hardly focus on her words, let alone anything else.

Though, her voice was soft, and - slowly but surely - he drifted back to reality, staring at Lucy's curtains in abject horror.

 

The one thing that he was dreading, was the one thing that happened all over again. 

"... wh... what's wrong with me...?"

Wendy gently pulled on his arm, leading him to a chair on the other side of the infirmary.

"Natsu... I think you just had an anxiety attack. It's not your fault... they aren't controllable."

He looked at her, extremely confused. 

"... a... anxiety?"

"... yeah."

"Wendy I... I don't have a problem with anxiety what are you-"

"Anybody can have them Natsu... they're triggered by things. Something about seeing Lucy is clearly distressing you, and I can't help you unless you tell me what it is..."

He broke eye contact, and looked away, intently glaring at the floor instead. He covered his eyes with his hand, and took a few deep breaths. 

"... the smell." he muttered.

Wendy didn't say anything. She didn't need to. 

 

"I... can't... stand... the smell."


	8. Disappointment

"... the... smell?" Wendy asked. Natsu nodded, rubbing at his forehead to try and get himself back into the moment.

She delicately sniffed the air. There was indeed a detestable scent wavering around the room, but... it wasn't overpowering. Wendy had obviously noticed the horrible stench of blood that made itself constant around Lucy's bed - as alike Natsu, she was a dragonslayer with a powerful nose - though she commonly worked in the infirmary these days. Blood and gore weren't uncommon to her, and as morbid as it sounded, she was mostly used to it.

"... I... I shouldn't have come..."

"... hey, don't think like that..."

"It's just the truth."

He was sweating and shivering, and Wendy almost considered dragging him over to a bed and forcing him to lay down. 

Natsu took a deep breath and regretted it instantly. Despite being on the other side of the room, his lungs filled up with a horrible mix of chemical disinfectant and the small - yet strong - whiffs of flesh that constantly lingered around. He coughed and spluttered, gritting his teeth and tears began to well up in his eyes. 

"... N-Natsu?" Wendy asked, noticing straight away.

"... It's nothing... just feels like there's-" he cut off as another coughing fit ensued, "- something stuck in my t-throat."

She passed him a wad of tissues, and he dried his eyes, breathing through his mouth alone to avoid a repeat.

"Is there anything you'd like to talk about?" she spoke, lowering her voice to a mere whisper. He shook his head.

"... I'll just go home."

"Will you come back to the guild tomorrow?"

He shook his head again.

"... It takes a long time to get in... I don't wanna have to make the trip two days in a row.

She looked confused for a second.

 

"... it doesn't... usually, take you long to come in?"

An unpleasant feeling welled up in his chest, as if his organs were all expanding uncomfortably and pressing outwards against his ribs.

"... yeah well, I'm not usually staying outside the city, am I."

Visible confusion flashed across her face, then she realised her mistake and her cheeks flushed red. Of course, he wasn't staying with Lucy anymore, was he?

 

Not that he ever was in the first place. Wendy hadn't heard much about the situation, but she definitely knew that Natsu had a habit of crashing at Lucy's place and treating it like his own home, not consulting the actual homeowner at all. Was it appropriate to say that he stayed with her, or was it more like he was constantly intruding? 

At any rate, Wendy half expected him to carry on that tradition, and felt incredibly guilty for letting herself think so. Natsu deserved more credit than people gave him.

 

"How long does it take you to walk?"

"Dunno. Never counted."

Wendy sighed, wanting to help more than she knew she could.

"Do you even have food at yours?"

"... no."

"... maybe you should pass a shop on your way home then, otherwise you're gonna end up starving yourself. I'll happily loan you some money if you don't have any with you right no-"

He patted her shoulder, flushing bright red with embarrassment. 

"I uh... I can't cook."

"... oh."

 

Natsu pulled himself to his feet, avoiding all eye contact. For some reason he just couldn't bring himself to look at Wendy's face, afraid that all he'd see was disappointment. It was certainly what he felt towards himself at that moment.

"... I should get going."

He turned to leave but she blocked his path.

"... can I ask when you'll next come back then, if not tomorrow."

"... don't know."

"Please try and visit soon. You need to eat, Natsu."

He shrugged, and at last walked past her, leaving without a word. To Natsu's immense distaste, Lisanna was waiting just outside for him, and immediately covered him in a barrage of questions.

Was he ok? Why were his eyes so red? Was Lucy any better? Did Wendy tell him any good news?

He could hardly make out half of them.

On any usual day he would have happily sat down and chatted with her about whatever came up, though there hadn't been many normal days for a while now. He had almost forgotten what it was like to feel carefree and positive. 

So instead, he just forced a smile. Only half convincing though, better than none at all. Enough to stop her from growing too concerned.

"... Lisanna... I'm sorry, I really need to go home."

"... but, Natsu-"

"Please..."

She withdrew slightly and bit her lip.

"... you're really worried about Lu-chan, aren't you."

How could he not be? Why even say something so distastefully obvious?

"... who isn't?"

 

Erza had told him it wasn't his fault, Wendy reiterated that, certain to the extremes.

Everybody he'd talked to about the incident so far were adamant that he had no control over what happened and to not blame himself. Everything except his own cruel subconscious, constantly probing at him with unpleasant thoughts and deprecating ideas.

How could he carry on with life in his normal, casual manner, when his best friend was constantly on the brink of death? 

 

"... I'm sorry. I won't keep you." Lisanna smiled.

"... I'll see you 'round."

Lisanna said something else to him, but Natsu was well on his way to the door, speed walking to avoid any other forced conversations that he really, really wanted to avoid.

 

He walked and walked, putting one foot in front of the other. Traversing streets and paths and alleyways, trusting his legs to carry him where he needed to go instead of paying proper attention. At some point, he entered the trees, and before he even realised, he was back in front of his door. 

 

A strange feeling of apathy crept up his back, like the cold trickle of water on a rainy day. 

With an exasperated sigh - and a lack of motivation to do anything - Natsu pushed the door open. He gritted his teeth at the rusty creak it let out.

 

It wasn’t surprising that the small dingy space still felt nothing like home.


End file.
